I’ve been going through waves of hell since 2018.
There was an unfolding that started to happen when I found out that I was autistic, an unravelling.
I completely fucking unravelled.
Realization after realization, recalling trauma after trauma.
It unlocked a part of me that I didn’t know was there, many many parts of me
to be more accurate.
For every part of myself that I found, I lost something.
I don’t miss most of the things that I lost, but some of the losses were devastating.
I have so much to tell you but I don’t know how. I want to say it all, but there’s so much. Too much! I WANT TO SAY IT ALL AT ONCE. Nothing ever makes it out.
How do I explain to someone that I’m drowning and soaring at the very same time.
I love you, I love myself more than ever, I love earth and all earthlings, even the assholes. I love my wife, I love that I get to be here. But I am also barely hanging on by a thread. Mentally, emotionally, financially, all the “llys”!
I miss my old apartment so much. I miss the color.
I was falling apart long before we were forced to leave and we weren’t prepared to move in any way. We just landed here, in our new place with no plan and no resources left to spare. It was chaos and it still is.
I ONLY WANTED TO FEEL GRATEFUL!
We wouldn’t have made it into an apartment at all if it wasn’t for selling my clothes and your gofundme donations.
So instead of allowing myself the space to grieve, I forced my focus on the fact that we were being lifted up by the kindness of our community.
I needed to stop, I needed more time to rest and to heal. I needed to reassess without the fear of losing a roof over my head, and everything I’ve ever worked for.
but we had no savings, no colorful apartment and no way of making money other than influencer campaigns with brands that wanted to work with me mostly because of my colorful apartment.
I COULDN'T HUSTLE! I couldn’t pick up the pieces. I couldn’t just start over. I couldn’t even unpack. It had been months by then (its now been years, my shit is still not together)
I could barely speak most days. I was in burnout and really so was Lavender, but she did her best to manage it all when I couldn’t .
Then the pandemic raged on and the summer of 2020. The never-ending summer storm of trauma and violence. I watched so much of the chaos from my windows. Constant sirens and fireworks exploding. I didn’t sleep more than 4 hours for months.
I couldn’t eat, stress and dental problems were working together on that one and still are!
And then all the horrible Instagram stuff and twitter stuff and legal stuff happened.
I was outside of my body the entire time… propped up by gratitude, fear and muscle memory.
So many people came out to support us, unfortunately many also came out to exploit; both kept us going.
I masked and cried and tried to work through it all, but I was also still unravelling and wasn’t equal to the task.
WHY IS IT MORE DANGEROUS TO CALL OUT RACIST AND PREDATORY BEHAVIOR THEN IT IS TO ENGAGE IN SAID BEHAVIOR? I don’t know, ask my lawyers.
I tried to stand up for myself, and I don’t regret it. But it took so much from me and it continues to drain. Ultimately I can’t afford to fight for past Amina anymore, I have to fight for this one. And that means using everything I have to survive and keep making art.
Also “I’m not famous enough to convince a judge” and "I didn't invent rainbow hair and clothes".**
But I’m still paying for all of it in every way. Still waking up with night terrors every damn day.
I think in 2020 I drew something on my iPad or made Posca marker drawings at least once a day. But I have been too paralyzed by trauma and fear to share most of it.
I created Cloudland on tiny cards and pages because I was tired of it only existing in my mind.
All the while I unravelled
and so did Lavender.
I looked up and it had been nearly a year since I had left my apartment.
I went outside for my birthday and I felt like myself for a moment, even though I didn’t really know exactly what that even meant. And I tried to keep that feeling alive, which is not really a thing you can do. So I got lost again.
I missed having friends. I missed having parents. We needed people around us.
I lost my mother and many other family members in the early stages of my unravelling.
To be clear, they are not dead, they are just dead to me.
In the process of learning myself, I learned what I was willing to accept from others. And my family’s transphobia, homophobia, ableism, and general abuse was not on the list.
I chose myself in a new kind of way.
And losing most of the people in my life, was the price had to pay.
Im good with it, but it also hurts a lot.
I don’t want to perform, I don’t want to have to hustle or fight to prove that I deserve respect and love
AND PAYMENT FOR MY WORK AND CREATIVITY.
I want to stop drowning; I want to fly. I’m even ok with falling sometimes, because I know how.
I was on the cover of a magazine this summer and all I could feel was numbness, so I barely even talked about it. And then all I could feel was shame.
No I haven’t redecorated my new apartment! That shit is expensive and I’ve only unpacked my closet and bedroom.
Now it’s September 2021. How is this even possible??????
No I have no fucking clue what I’m gonna be for Halloween. I hope alive.
That would be good.
**Actual things said to me by my lawyers well after they took on my case.
The truth is we are not out, but we are definitely down. We need support and help in all forms, I don't like admitting this. I have been shamed and experienced bullying, harassment and severe scrutiny every time I talk about my experience or ask for help. But I'm still here, and since you are too, I'm committed to be honest.
If you are in the position, and would like to help, you can do so by:
Purchase something from my store
Spread the word about my store and art on social media and with your community.
Send money if you have it to spare via Cashapp: $studiomucci
Venmo: Amina-Mucciolo Paypal: Rainbowsinyourcloud@gmail.com
I'm also currently looking for licensing opportunities or any other type of paid work where I can use my artistic and creative ability.
I know so many of us are struggling, being an earthling is extra difficult these days. I hope knowing that you're not the only one can bring you comfort. If all you can do is be a witness to my story, I am grateful for you just the same.
Thank you for being here. I will never give up.